Only if I knew then what I know now.

I am learning that in order to see change in my environment, I must first seek and initiate change within myself. There are a lot of things I want to change about me, for me. Complaining about what others do around and near you is a reflection of yourself. You allowed this to happen, take place, and take shape in your life whether you're aware of it or not. I am learning the hard truth that you cannot control what others choose to do, no more that you can control how you respond to a situation. Well, after careful consideration, I am ready to stop responding. I’m ready to stop pointing the little things out that also have such a big impact on my own emotions. I am ready to change the narrative of my own reality so I will do just that, in such a way that I let God handle these battles for me. I had been taking on these responsibilities by myself and wondering why I felt so overwhelmed, exhausted, and anxious. No More!!!. Today this changes, but it starts with me. For the first time in a long time I have a plan and it will be executed. The only ones that will know are me and my heavenly father. If my job is to implement change, then change is who I will become. I may even change my name in the process 🙂

What's your horoscope?

Lusting after this world is a way of wanting to change who you are, how you look, and what you stand for. The hair cuts, the hair styles, the make-up, and the clothing. Did anyone ever tell you, that you are covering up your true identity. Has anyone ever told you that you are cutting off your glory? The power is in the uncut hair. The power is in your true identity in Christ. You may be unsure of who you are, but Christ is not. Protect the gifts you were born with from the lies and cruelty of this world. The only goal of this world is to defile the children of The most High.

What is everyone’s unhealthy obsession with posting their lives online?

There's a certain kind of life that I envision living, I just haven't figured out how to get to it. Free from distractions just ever present and alert. What am I doing wrong? Is a question I constantly ask myself. Looking back at all I've overcome and though it may seem like a lot, sometimes it seems like so little. In my early 30’s and still can't quite figure it out. There’s a lot I held in but now it needs to come out. I look around and say did I choose correctly. Were my reasons for doing so valid, or was I just afraid of the very change I still crave. How can I be better and not just for me but for the little one that looks up to me. Am I failing, or am I winning? I have so many unanswered questions. And yet while trying to seek them with such little attempt, I find myself feeling distant from the one who really matters the most. Can he hear my quiet prayers? Is he near? Does he see my private tears? I like to believe that he still does. I need him to know that I love him so much and that I’m sorry for not acknowledging him on a daily basis. I don't want to be the one that only comes to him when I have a problem but is quick to forget him when times are good. I don't want to be a hypocrite! Please Ahayah just know that I haven't forgotten about you. My problems seem so big sometimes and I get lost in my own thoughts but this is not an excuse. I need you!!! I feel a bit lost, I’m doubting my decisions that I’ve once felt so firm about. Every little thing just annoys me these days and I don't know why. I need clarity, I need a cleansing. I need to hear you speak to me. I just feel so tired now and I no longer want these things to plague me. I need change and I need you to tell me how to get it. So tell me the truth no matter how much it may hurt. I just really need to know what I have to do next. I ask and pray that you make my crooked paths straight. Renew my vision, and give me a sound mind. Remove my blockages and let your living waters run free and flow deep. I need you now more then ever. I know your the only one who can really help me, and heal me.

Draining

It all started in May this year. I was in the process of moving into a new apartment. I took a long lunch and road to the apartments I wanted to rent, they had a first come first served policy going on and I needed to insure a spot for myself. Once this was done all of the important phone calls begin. I would step outside for a bit of privacy as not to be disrespectful on the job. This went on for almost a month. Next thing you know I was pulled aside by the provider in the clinic. She said there had been talk of me always on my phone and how people where watching me through the cameras. I instantly felt uncomfortable by this news. Through their eyes they saw an employee just slacking off and doing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. But the reality was that the apartments I was moving out of lied to my now apartment manager saying I owed money when I didn't and that needed to be cleared up. I received calls about being approved for my apartment and what other documents were needed from me and so forth. However I had no interest in explaining all of this to her, so I just gave a small smile and walked away. I pulled my supervisor to the side and gave her the run down, afterwards, I heard no more about this.

I needed my family together

I would tell her to wait and be patient. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Find your passion, continue your education, books before boys in that order and when you succeed it’s time for a celebration. No man can give you the love of your father. Because he is just a little boy himself. He does not know how to properly love you. Sex is NOT love, save yourself for your husband. Wait until your married to have children. And learn what it really means to love yourself. You cannot be nice to everyone because they will abuse your kindness. The Bible says “do not awaken love before it is time” so please don’t put yourself in a position that makes you think your either in love with someone because those feelings can be false and trick you into  experiencing heartbreak. The world is a cold and ugly place so seek the Heavenly Father for all you need. Get to know him, love him, listen for his voice and instruction, open your Bible and pray for understanding because this is the only relationship you’ll ever need. Let him heal you, let him transform you, and let him humble you.

You never get to experience any of it